Sunday, August 15, 2010


"Too many people grow up. That's the real trouble with the world, too many people grow up. They forget. They don't remember what it's like to be 12 years old. They patronize, they treat children as inferiors. Well I won't do that.
Walt Disney 

Today I turned 29, and as I reflect on this past year I realize just how much my life changed in 12 months.  Never has one year made such a difference, such an impact, in my life.  Since last August 15th I have embarked on the greatest, most challenging, and most rewarding endeavor possible: motherhood.  Not only that, I tackled the beast of all musicals, no pun intended, in directing and designing Disney's Beauty & the Beast while very pregnant, then on maternity leave, and finally coming back to finish the show with a newborn.  I have begun serious work on a couple of my passions: my travel agency and cake baking/decorating.  And, I have started really, really working on our budget and climbing out of a huge debt hole.  (Note to my graduates, do not use your credit cards just because you have them!  Really, I promise it will be better for you in the long run if you figure out how to live without needing them and weighing your wants and needs).  This coming year is shaping up to also be quite busy and full of wonder, but right now I want to just think back a bit.

I never knew if I wanted to have kids.  Pretty much up until the time we found out we were expecting Connor I still wasn't sure.  I have never seen myself as the motherly type.  Never enjoyed babysitting, except for the Drubes who had the greatest kids ever, never wanted to hold babies when a friend or family member had brought theirs to an event, never felt a particular connection to the kids who came into Disney Store with their parents, and just didn't really feel any sort of pull in that direction.  As a result, I think it took me longer than normal to feel a bond with Connor.  Not because I didn't desperately want to feel one, more because I didn't know what it should feel like.  In the first couple of months I never felt like I did anything right.  Other friends with newborns couldn't stand to be away from their baby, and I would willingly and easily hand him off to my parents for sleepovers.  I was willling to let anyone hold him if he was fussy, and I let Chris get up with him at night and feed him in the morning.  I just felt lost, and really, really stupid.  I'm not going to lie, the first 3-4 months with Connor were hard.  I just had no idea what to do and felt like everyone was telling me that what I was doing was wrong.  Can I be honest?  The most annoying thing in the world to me is when people compare me to themselves.  I just want to scream, "I'm not you, it isn't the same for me, no matter what you think!"  I knew/know that everyone wanted to offer their advice, but when you already feel like you're failing, it just makes it seem like they think you are too...  Things are better now for the most part.  I still question myself all the time, and often feel like I'm barely treading water in the motherhood department, but I feel that bond to Connor, and that helps a lot.  Being home with him so much over the summer solidified those feelings, and I do not look forward to leaving him every morning for this next school year.  And, I can't fathom that he will turn one in six weeks...  I thought I would post some pictures of Connor over the last year.

Just hours old.  So precious, sweet and perfect.

Our first family picture.

One week old.

First Halloween.

First Thanksgiving.

First Christmas.

Happiest baby in the world.

Getting so big!

Ready for our first Rangers game!

Walking at the zoo with Grams and Mommy.

Alright, I really didn't intend for this to all be about turned into that though!  So, since I have to go back to work tomorrow (boo!!!!)  I will just finish by saying that I know this year will be full of its own challenges and rewards, and that I see a bright future for all of us.  Here is to a fantastic 29!

1 comment:

  1. Sweetie, don't be so hard on yourself. Every mother everywhere feels like they are barely keeping their heads above water. We are all failing, all the time. No one tells you that babies, and especially newborns, are so hard, and so boring. The older they get the more fun they are, I promise.

    Just remember that its your baby and your life and you have to live it. Go with your gut and love him and everything else will fall into place.

    Sorry for babbling at you. Happy Birthday!